In the trenches, 29 months and counting...

The blog entry that I've been avoiding to write. I haven't entered a post in 3 months in fear that I would not be able to eloquently pen my thoughts. Each passing day, waiting, hoping, anticipating that the phone would ring to inform me of that precious referral. Then all of these bad and sad feelings that are all consuming would just vanish and I would never have to utter them in sheer frustration. But alas, here we are, 29 months and counting! The silence is eerily deafening from the other side of the world. No word on a referral. No word of an update. No word of any kind. Continually, we wait. So, forgive me for my lack of eloquence, my lack of patience, my lack of positivity. Excuse me for being curt, irate, and mopey. I'm that woman with a dark rain cloud right over her head some days. If it's not too much to ask, let me have my moment. A moment of weakness, lack-luster, and at times, complete despair. I'm an adoptive mother, "paper" pregnant for two and a half years. Way beyond that of any human gestation. So, pardon me for being grumpy and having a great desire to scream at you when you tell me to "try not to think" about it. If I may ask of you to try to understand that this process in all of its beauty, intricacies, and challenges, consumes me. I think about it all the time. Not a moment pass that I don't. My mind often wonder and long for the child whom not only am I waiting for, but who is also waiting for me. Each day that pass, I am without my child and he is without me. Definitely pardon me for wanting to ever so slightly shake you out of your reverie when you tell me to be more patient or positive. Believe me, I am trying. Please know, some days are better than others and some it's just impossible to be upbeat. And please, I beg you, do not question my desire to be a mother (adoption or otherwise) ever again, I just might slap you. I do hope I didn't say that out loud. Maybe I did, God forgive me. In the last three months, I've become very selective with whom I share the details of this adoption journey. Sometimes, I'm seeking counsel but most of the time, I really just want someone to listen. I'm not expecting you to say anything prophetic, I've been down this road before. I just want someone in the trenches with me as I endure this wait. I take accountability for my actions and I'm relying on God's grace and mercy for my wavering composure, faith, and brevity. Friends, if I may ask you to save the judgment and instead incessantly pray for the orphans waiting for their forever families, birth families who are faced with difficult choices, and adoptive families enduring the wait. I hope in greater understanding, you will come along side on this journey and join me in the trenches...