30 months

...and we are still waiting for a match! No words...

My moment

I remember so clearly this very day, five years ago! My moment came at nine thirteen in the morning, I found out that I was going to be a mom! I did not know if she was going to be a girl or a boy, or whether my baby had ten toes and ten fingers. Those details would follow four very long days later. But right then, among so many uncertainties, I knew I would love my baby! What I did not know was how fierce, how deep, and how all-encompassing that love would be. In five short years, she has taught me to love and be loved like I have never before. She taught me to give more of myself than I have ever given to anyone. She has taught me the importance of structure, routine, and boundaries. And she has also taught me to break them, have fun and live in the moment. Today, I am a better person because of her. She spurs me on to pursue goodness and truth. She urges me to continually seek and follow Jesus with her unquestioning and never ceasing love for Him. She is my good. She has redeemed me. This morning, I watched her sleep just a few more minutes until I had to wake her up for school. Today is her first day of first grade. This was the big day, this was her moment to journey into "big kid school". I watched her sleep, oh so gracefully. The beautiful curved of her mouth, soon to be chattering in excitement. The slight fluttering of her eyelids which are still covering warm pools of chocolatey brown eyes, waiting to fly wide open to navigate through the adventures the day would soon bring. Her lithe and lanky body tossed among the hot pink and black zebra motif that she independently chose in exchange of her pastel pink and fluttery "baby" bedding. My little girl, who is not so little anymore. My little girl, who in my heart will always be the baby who first made me a mom. My little girl, who I will love and cherish as long as I have breath. My little girl, who is quickly growing up right before my very eyes. I am so privileged to be her mom. I am blessed to have moments like today, when I get to marvel at her beauty while she sleeps and mundanely bake her favorite breakfast treat. Blessed to be the hand that holds hers as she faces her own uncertainties. Blessed to be the hand that finally lets her go as she confidently walks away toward new adventures. I am blessed not just today but everyday since I have known her. Every moment that I have loved and cherished her. She is my moment...I will forever be grateful for God's blessing of the precious little girl who calls me mommy.

In the trenches, 29 months and counting...

The blog entry that I've been avoiding to write. I haven't entered a post in 3 months in fear that I would not be able to eloquently pen my thoughts. Each passing day, waiting, hoping, anticipating that the phone would ring to inform me of that precious referral. Then all of these bad and sad feelings that are all consuming would just vanish and I would never have to utter them in sheer frustration. But alas, here we are, 29 months and counting! The silence is eerily deafening from the other side of the world. No word on a referral. No word of an update. No word of any kind. Continually, we wait. So, forgive me for my lack of eloquence, my lack of patience, my lack of positivity. Excuse me for being curt, irate, and mopey. I'm that woman with a dark rain cloud right over her head some days. If it's not too much to ask, let me have my moment. A moment of weakness, lack-luster, and at times, complete despair. I'm an adoptive mother, "paper" pregnant for two and a half years. Way beyond that of any human gestation. So, pardon me for being grumpy and having a great desire to scream at you when you tell me to "try not to think" about it. If I may ask of you to try to understand that this process in all of its beauty, intricacies, and challenges, consumes me. I think about it all the time. Not a moment pass that I don't. My mind often wonder and long for the child whom not only am I waiting for, but who is also waiting for me. Each day that pass, I am without my child and he is without me. Definitely pardon me for wanting to ever so slightly shake you out of your reverie when you tell me to be more patient or positive. Believe me, I am trying. Please know, some days are better than others and some it's just impossible to be upbeat. And please, I beg you, do not question my desire to be a mother (adoption or otherwise) ever again, I just might slap you. I do hope I didn't say that out loud. Maybe I did, God forgive me. In the last three months, I've become very selective with whom I share the details of this adoption journey. Sometimes, I'm seeking counsel but most of the time, I really just want someone to listen. I'm not expecting you to say anything prophetic, I've been down this road before. I just want someone in the trenches with me as I endure this wait. I take accountability for my actions and I'm relying on God's grace and mercy for my wavering composure, faith, and brevity. Friends, if I may ask you to save the judgment and instead incessantly pray for the orphans waiting for their forever families, birth families who are faced with difficult choices, and adoptive families enduring the wait. I hope in greater understanding, you will come along side on this journey and join me in the trenches...

26 months

...and counting on our adoption journey! Our family has endured 26 months. I am in awe at God's grace for continuing to sustain us through it all. Over two years of our lives...consumed by waiting. Waiting for the possibilities. Waiting for a call. Waiting for a tiny little picture that you get at time of referral. Waiting to fall in love with a little person made in God's likeness; whom we will be privileged to raise. I don't know when, but I know it is nearing. We are trying to keep our spirits up, clinging to hope despite of the odds. Only with God's grace are we able to live in the present, despite the all consuming wait which at times is purely crippling. I am mortified at the thought of waiting one more day. Yet I am grateful for one more day to bask in God's love, strength and mercy as He guides us thru this journey. He will provide. He hasn't forgotten...

25 months

...and I'm still waiting. No words! Well, maybe just a few. I am restless, I am weary, I am disheartened, and I am burdened. I am burdened by the gentle inquiries of my six year old, who is embodied by a strong eagerness to become a big sister. I am burdened by the longing for a child I do not yet know. I am burdened by each day that passes, another day that our baby is without his/her forever family. It takes every ounce of my strength to continue to persevere and wait. I lay these burdens at the foot of the cross. I rest on Jesus, knowing that He has a plan and does not make mistakes. His timing is perfect and for now, we must all endure the wait...

24 months

Today, I endure my 24th month of (paper) pregnancy. I've been anticipating this day...trying to shake the feeling of restlessness and focus on hope to soon having a new daughter or son! Hoping that each day that passes bring me closer to my next child. Hoping that I will soon, be free from the wait, the labor pains, the contractions, and the day to day push. Despite popular belief, adoptive mothers labor too. We feel and endure contractions parallel to that of a birth mother. You may be shaking your head no but ask any adoptive parent. The labor pains and toils are very real...they might not be felt physically in the same way but they are felt in the heart. Oftentimes, the labor of an adoptive mother can last for months! My first paper pregnancy lasted 17 months and the labor began in August.My baby was not placed in my arms until February the next year. Almost six months passed, until I held that precious baby in my arms. She was gorgeous. The most beautiful creature I have ever seen. The wait, the anxiousness, the exhaustion, all fell away as we culminated to this day. It was amazing...a day that I will always remember for the rest of my life. That fated day, God brought us to, was the result of a long journey. Yet, there we were, my husband and I, holding our new baby girl. We knew then that God's perfect plan has come to fruition. She was the affirmation that God has not forgotten us, that He heard our prayers. That in due time, His promise to redeem us will come true. And redeem us, He did! In a big big way, with the blessing of our little girl. Our sweet little baby girl! But today, I was very much tempted to throw a pity party. This paper pregnancy feel endless. As of today, I've surpassed the gestation of an elephant. Did you know, they have the longest gestation period of a mammal? Their gestation culminates at 22 months. This is even longer than the Blue Whale, whose gestation lasts around 12 months. In fairness, there are a few fish and amphibians that have gestation periods much longer than an elephant. For example, the Alpine Salamander give birth to a live young after a 3 year pregnancy. In addition, Spiny Dog Fish are pregnant for 24 months, and there are claims Frilled Shark have been recorded to have gestation periods up to 3.5 years. But, I am human! And today, I feel selfishly entitled to throw my pity party, since I can officially claim that I have had a longer gestation than an elephant! I have been pregnant longer than an ELEPHANT!!!! That has to count for something!!! I was wanted to declare my own holiday to sit on the couch and eat potato chips to my heart's content! But I prayed incessantly and by Jesus' grace and mercy, I rolled out of bed this morning and planted my feet firmly on the ground. I went to church surrounded by God's amazing grace and He alone, enabled me to raise my hands up in worship despite my heavy heart. Despite this long enduring wait, feelings of hopelessness faded away. I know God's plan and timing is perfect. In due time, this labor and toil will pass. By His will, our family will be united with the child He alone has chosen for us to have the privilege in raising. I have no reason to believe that He will not make good on His promise. So, today, I may have been pregnant longer than an elephant but I cling to the hope that my savior will soon redeem me! For now, I endure the race and continue to wait...